Still

I am still...
here, waiting
growing
trying to stay optimistic (it's getting harder and harder)
carrying a breach baby
not making progress... in fact none at all
not sleeping well
exhausted
frustrated

I've started taking walks the last couple days to pretend I'm doing something to help things along. Steve is doing his best to keep me in good spirits (he's such a great strength for me) and keeps assuring me that there is a reason for all of this and maybe someday we will get to know what that reason is. I have my next doctor's appointment Monday and if nothing has changed we'll schedule a c-section then. I'm terrified of another surgery, so I really hope it doesn't come to that.

On a side note- we found out how old my doctor is... 78 years old! Can you believe it?

Bedtime

This is how we calm the girls down before bedtime...

Greatest Grandma Ever

Ellie has been thankful in her prayers the last few nights for the greatest sisters, Mom, Dad and Grandma EVER. It is so adorable to hear her say it. But I have to agree. My mom has definitely been awesome to have around. Last night she let me go with Steve to Salina on a date. He had priesthood meetings, so we went out to dinner and while he was being spiritually edified, I was out shopping :-) It was amazing to be able to eat dinner and not juggle girls. And then to just meander through a store without worrying where the girls had run to this time... And then on top of it all, Mom bathed the girls, changed out throw-up sheets on Sarah's bed and folded my laundry. Then tonight Sarah threw up all over her. Poor Mom. She is truly a super-grandma. She made the most darling outfits for the dolls she brought the girls as well. Each girl got a new doll and the doll came outfitted with a matching princess dress to each girl, pajamas, play clothes, dresses... I think each doll came with 5 new outfits total. Mom is amazing. We'll get some fun pictures soon. Now that Steve is starting to not feel well it will be nice to have the extra help there, too.

I think that tonight the baby is facing the right direction. He was head-butting my ribs all during church, so it's probably not permanent, but it gives me hope whenever he actually gets into that position. Still no indication of when he might want to come join the world.

Status Quo

Nothing really to report from the doctor's appointment today. The doctor thought the baby was still breech... but not 100% certain. I told him I want another week to see what happens and he was okay with that. So we're still playing the waiting game. The closer it gets the more certain I am that I want to wait things out and try for the VBAC. Obviously if he doesn't turn, the boy is coming out by c-section- but that's still an "if"... And I forgot to ask if I had progressed at all. I haven't had many contractions, so I doubt much has happened. I am more tired than ever- I can barely sleep at night and am exhausted all day long. But on the same token, I am going to miss being pregnant and feeling the baby kicking and rolling. It is such a special experience to carry babies- even when it's tough.

So Mom comes Friday and I am so excited!!! Maybe we'll have time to play and do fun things before the baby comes? Just 2 more sleeps :-)

Thankful

Today I want to write about something positive. I've felt very down lately and thought that maybe this post will help raise my spirits. So here are a few things that I am thankful for today:

Steve. I'm always thankful for him, of course. But when I came down this morning after my shower and saw that he wasn't eating I asked him about it and he told me he was fasting for me. It brought tears to my eyes to hear him say that. What a wonderfully thoughtful thing to do. He is so patient with me as my emotions flip flop all over the place.

The temple. We went again on Friday. Second time this month, actually. And that's no small feat, considering it's 3 1/2 hours driving each way. But I felt a strong need to go and Steve was willing to go along with it. And I love being in the temple. I love going through for my ancestors and am grateful that my dad does so well keeping us stocked with family names. And I needed to feel some peace amidst my frustrations and I found it there. And to top it off we got to do a little shopping at Kohl's :-D

Strawberries. A funny thing to be thankful for in January, I know. But the commissary had them on sale yesterday and they are incredible! The girls and I went through a whole package for lunch. Then I made Steve a strawberry pie for dessert tonight and I can't wait to eat it!

Kids. I am so grateful that this baby is healthy, even though I am frustrated that he won't just turn around. He's extremely active- moving from transverse to breech and back all day long. (I might still be pregnant in March waiting for the stinker to turn the right way!) I loved hearing Katie talk about how Jesus painted her eyes blue today. I don't know where she got that, but I thought it was just such a sweet thought. Sarah has the most infectious little smile and giggle. She is truly our ray of sunshine. And it makes me so proud when I watch Ellie. When she sings all the words to the songs she learns in Primary, when she drew a picture about the plan of salvation on her sketch pad one night, and just being an awesome big sister and smart little girl. I sure love my girls!

Status Check

Just thought I'd give an update on what's going on with the pregnancy. I had an ultrasound on Tuesday to check and make sure the baby was maturing well. I found out he has a big head and is BREACH!!! Neither of those are things I was hoping to hear. Since then he has gone back and forth between breach and transverse. Stinker! Then Wednesday I saw my doc and he said that there has been no progress (I'm sure the baby being the wrong way doesn't help) and the only good thing he could report was that my cervix is softening. Great. I told him I want one more week to see if the baby will turn and maybe I can get some progress on the dilation. While I've been extremely discouraged over this news, I'm trying to keep my faith with the good feelings I had about the VBAC in the first place. I've tried all sorts of strange things to get this boy to turn around- laying upside-down with an ice pack on my belly over his head, putting a flashlight at my pelvis to get him to move towards it, pushing and pushing on his head to convince him to move- nothing. He just keeps rolling from top to side over and over again. And he's doing jumping jacks on my pelvis, which really hurts! Yeah- I'm trying to stay positive, but it's really, really hard right now. I have two more weeks until my due date, but if he doesn't turn by next Wednesday I'm probably going to have to schedule a c-section, which I don't want to do!!! Gotta just keep praying.

More Pregnancy Info

I figure I'll write a little bit more about what happened at the appointment now that I'm not nearly as depressed over it. Again, I finally met the doctor that is supposed to deliver this baby. His name is Doctor Mason and he is an older gentleman. He had a private practice in Texas, retired, moved to Colorado, decided retired life wasn't for him, and was recruited to come here to Kansas. So he's very knowledgeable and experienced when it comes to babies and pregnancy. Our first visit together was a bit frustrating for me. I am used to seeing doctors that basically tell me what to do. For instance, when I saw my last doctor, he told me they do c-sections at 39 weeks to avoid going into labor. It is scheduled and there you have it. Once you have 2 c-sections it's just a given. Well, Dr. Mason came in and asked what my plan was. Did I want to do a repeat c-section, did I want to wait and just come in when I went into labor? He gave me all sorts of options. And I since I wasn't expecting that, I didn't know how to deal with it. He kept asking me if he was answering all my questions, because I looked confused. But I was confused! We decided to get an ultrasound done to make sure there were no growth problems with the baby (as there were with Sarah and that will give me peace of mind). Then we would discuss our options again at the next appointment.

So ever since that appointment I've really been mulling over the fact that he asked if I wanted to deliver this baby naturally. And the more research I do and the more I think and pray about it, I really, really like that idea. I have had once successful delivery, which is a huge bonus for me doing it again. Sure, I've had 2 c-sections, but they were not related to anything that would necessarily make me have another. I realize there are risks of uterine rupture, but even with that I've read that it's not nearly as horrible as they make it out to be and it's not that common. So yeah, at this point I am determined to go in and tell the doctor that I want to try a VBAC. I just hope he was truthful when he told me it was an option. We are dealing with an Army hospital, after all. The thought of recovering from a natural as opposed to c-section delivery just feels good to me! It'll complicate things with planning on when Mom will come, but I think in the end we can make that work :) And that means it could be a couple more weeks of pregnancy that I wasn't expecting, but if I put my mind to it, I can survive. I will post when I get more news this week.

The other half

So I went and met my doctor today. He's definitely an older guy, and I'm hoping in the end that means he has tons of experience and will do a good job on my surgery. I'm really not in the mood to write, but needless to say, there is nothing to report. All these miserable contractions I've been having have done nothing. I'm not even the slightest bit dilated and the baby is still -2 station. Although he definitely dropped. Last appointment I measured 34cm. Today it was 31cm. Tonight my back feels like it will break in half and I'm feeling extremely miserable from pain and sadness. Looks like it'll be at least 2 more weeks before this baby arrives. I'm not sure I can last that long :(

Half an Update

This is only half, because tomorrow afternoon I see the doctor and will know for sure what my plan is...

But, the baby dropped Sunday night and I've been feeling it. I have contractions pretty much nonstop when I'm on my feet, which is basically all day. They stop when I sit or lie down, so they're not the real deal, but they are definitely getting stronger and more painful. It's starting to move into my back, which is a good sign that things are moving along. I'm hoping the doctor will have pity on me and schedule my c-section sooner than later. Technically I'm not supposed to go into labor to avoid any complications. We shall see. I will post tomorrow what we find out.

The Princesses

I never expected myself to get sucked into the Disney Princess craze. But alas, here I am- making princess dresses for my girls. They just get so incredibly excited about them, I can't help myself. And honestly, playing dress-ups was one of my very favorite things to do growing up, so I guess this is my way of still doing that. Katie decided that maybe Tinkerbell wasn't her thing after Christmas, so instead of getting frustrated, I let her hand it down to Sarah (who was more than happy to take it) and pick a new favorite princess. She chose Sleeping Beauty and I got to work. I was surprised that I could get it done in only 2 days. And she is very happy with her new dress. So here are our three little princesses: