Weight. Okay- so yes, I've had 5 kids. And four of those were c-section. But the last one was 15 months ago. And I can't lose that weight. In order to feel like myself again, I need to lose at least 20 pounds. In Illinois I was working out twice a day and still not losing weight. I haven't been as devoted here, so I've gained a few more pounds. I've tried limiting calories, but those stinkin' migraines keep coming because of my lame hypoglycemia. So then I have to eat more to try to keep them at bay. So I'm having a horrible body image at the moment. And while I'm not pregnant (shocker, I know) I feel like everyone is looking at my belly and always wondering if that bump is a baby or just chub (as most people know we want another baby eventually...)
Migraines. I don't know what the deal is, but I've had at least 2 a week since we moved here. I've tried acupuncture, heat, light massage, diet, all sorts of things. And nothing works. I'm so tired of those stinkin' headaches that just knock me out for the night (the only cure is lots of sleep, unfortunately).
Tension. Holy moly the tension in my neck is ridiculous. I'm constantly in pain. Constantly. Again, I tried acupuncture, heat and massage. Nothing is working. Even the ibuprofen barely touches it. I've even tried different pillows and stretching to no avail.
Friends. Okay, so here's my pity party. I felt that I had made some really great friends in Illinois. People I LOVED to hang out with. That was the first place I have lived where I actually went out of my way to have people over and throw parties and just hang out. And they were all such awesome people who actually cared about me and my life and my kids. And it felt really good. And I have an awesome friend here, too. Erin is just the best ever. And while I'm overly thankful for her (she even cooked us dinner tonight!) I miss the group of friends I had. I think I was just really blessed to find people with my similar interests and kids the same age. There have been many tears shed over the loss of those gals and their kiddos. I have made friends on our street. And they are really great. There is just not enough in common to want to really spend tons of time with them.
Enough. I have felt rather inadequate here. My house isn't clean enough. (yes, I'm comparing myself to those with only two or three kids) My house isn't cute enough (yes, I have no interior decorating skills whatsoever) My kids aren't enriched enough (take 5 kids by myself where?) I'm not thin enough, I'm not happy enough, I don't have enough energy (I have been more exhausted than I have been in years), I'm not doing a million things that I really wish I could do. It's frustrating.
Reality. Okay, so my husband, who is always completely honest, thinks I'm attractive. That should be enough, right? My kids are happy, well-adjusted kids. My house is a bit messy at times, but never really dirty. I do have one awesome friend here. My kids have made good friends in the neighborhood. I am comfortable in my home.
So how do you give yourself an attitude adjustment? Prayer and fasting. That's a good start. And I suppose just working at it day by day. Because the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Some days I wonder, but most days I know it's true. I want to be a super-mom and I don't like falling short. Those crazy expectations of mine!!!
So now you've seen a glimpse into the mind of Tiffany. It's not always sunshine and rainbows around here. I'm pretty good at faking it, but I'm tired. I'm so tired.
11 comments:
We miss you too! Sometimes we have to hit that point of exhaustion before we can progress again. Progress is coming for you! I can feel it :). And until then, at least you have Lark Rise!
It's funny to read this because I've even told people who don't know you about how amazing you are. You bake, you sew, you read, you exercise, you have a clean house, you are a photographer, you throw parties. All on top of taking care of 5 happy kids who are so close together. Maybe now you're just a little bit more normal. :)
That totally sucks with the migraines and neck tension! I get migraines and it usually starts in my neck and the only relief is sleep if I don't catch it soon enough with medicine. Have you tried any prescription medications?
I TOTALLY feel your pain with the friend issue. I'm trying to just accept that nowhere will be the same as Illinois. Where I just had so many people who I liked so much and felt so comfortable with. It's a pretty rare thing to live somewhere that has so many people who are in the exact same situation in life as you. It totally sucks to think that I probably won't ever have that again.
I'm sorry that things aren't that great right now. I don't know if it helps, but every person who I've talked to who moved this summer is having a hard time (including me) so at least know you're aren't alone. :)
Hey Tiffany, I can empathize with you on the friend thing. We had a very close circle of friends in Virginia and it was extremely difficult to move to Illinois. The first year we lived here was one of the hardest of my life. Things are better now, but I still miss Virginia and those dear friends all the time.
The only thing that really helped was simply time. Time to get used to new surroundings and people, time to mourn our old home and friends, and time to learn that there are wonderful people wherever you are. We still miss Virginia, but if moving to Illinois taught me anything, it's that there are good people everywhere. It won't ever be the same, but it will get better. Hang in there! Thingking of you!
Oh friend. I am so so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I am so glad you are here but you're absolutely right...leaving a group of friends is super super hard no matter what you move to. And that whole headache thing is super super lame. I wish someone could fix that at least!! Just know that I think you are amazing for whatever that is worth.
I am so sorry about your headaches and neck pain. I can so empathize with chronic pain/conditions and sometimes it makes it just so dang hard to be a mom.
And I have to agree with Erin, except I have only been with you in person like two times. You ARE amazing. It is just always hardest to see it in ourselves.
Ha, can we all say the same thing? I agree with what Julie said, you always amazed me with everything you got done. I felt very wimpy, especially when I heard you took four kids to the store, etc.
For the pain, I had someone recommend muscle relaxers, just long enough that you can release some tension, so I'll pass that along.
It's funny because I'm jealous of my friends who have gotten to graduate and move on to another area now that they are "grown up", it's nice to hear someone lamenting the loss of the place I'm "stuck".
And I miss your parties!!!
PS I've heard it said many times, it takes a year.
Dear Dear Tiffany,
We love you - and even tho I didn't get to be one of those close, close friends, I do miss you so much! You were one of my very favorite visiting teachers that I just loved having come to visit me! You seemed so interested in me and that made me feel so good. Thank you for that! You are an awesome person and when everything is against you - just know that Heavenly Father is getting ready to really, really bless your life! We love and miss you so much! and thank you for sharing your feelings with us!
~LynnEl
Oh Tiffany! You will always be supermom to me! Like everyone else who has met you, I think you are amazing and I totally miss you! It's kind of a relief to know that other people (even Tiffany) have some of the same hidden thoughts I do. I hope things get brighter soon and that you can get those migraines under control!
First of all, I spent 20 hours in your shoes & have no idea how you do it! You have great kids & all that, you are very attractive, & a great person to be around - you ROCK!
When I first moved to Champaign I couldn't stand it. I didn't know anyone at all. I pretty much just worked & went home & that was it. I didn't have any friends at all. So, I know what you're going thru there.
Have you tried keeping a food diary for your migraines? I have found that there are some foods that trigger mine.
Also, stress, hormones, lack of sleep. In any case, keeping
a diary has helped me a great deal.
Miss all of you, Lisa
I bet you're feeling great again, now. I'm behind on my blog reading - but I want you to know how much I REALLY appreciate you. I feel like I've known you forever and I have often felt like you are someone I'd like to be like. I see what a gracious and generous friend you are, how amazingly patient and loving you are with your kids and I stand in awe of all that you are able to do.
And really, being in pain all the time just makes it ten times harder to function. That IS reality. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of those struggles.
Please know how much I admire you and how often I have my own bouts of self-doubt like this. Even though I know I'm doing my best (mostly :) I also know that sometimes I just feel really lonely and not capable. It's a hard place to be.
Chin up, friend. I think you're great :)
Tiffany! I totally understand how you are feeling! I have found myself in that place and I think you are doing Great by fasting and praying and keeping that positive attitude! : ) You are an Amazing Women and Mother! It is hard to be able to do everything all at once. I am trying to take it one day at a time.
You are so brave for posting your thoughts and feelings! Sometimes it feels better getting them out and being able to work through them. You have been an inspiration to me! : )
I hope those nasty migraines go away! That is no fun at all! If your not nursing maybe you can look into this diet that I am about to do and have done before and it gave such great results! You eat 6x a day. You still have carbs, protein, fruits, and vegies. Just no dairy nor salt.
You only work out like 15 mins 2 or 3 x a week and if you really want to see fast results you walk more. It is called the Michael Thurmonds 6 week makeover diet. I don't like calling it a diet but that is what it is. I was able to maintain my weight once I was off of it, until I fell while pregnant with Kimmi. I hope this was helpful for you. You are awesome!!! : )
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